| My mother, who was born on the fourth of July, told | | | | human in front of me, especially when I'm tempted to |
| me that everyone in the country celebrated her | | | | judge others harshly. Somehow, in my younger years, I |
| birthday. As a youngster, I decided she must be very | | | | judged some people harshly anyway. I have often |
| famous and much loved. While age brought | | | | reflected on how long it took me to find and truly |
| understanding of her joke, the image of my mother as | | | | employ my mother's lesson in compassion. The work |
| someone who deserved love and fame never | | | | of becoming a mediator forced me to look this one |
| diminished for me. | | | | straight in the eye, because the mediator's work is one |
| Because of my line of work, I've had plenty of | | | | of compassion and non-judgment. Mom would be |
| opportunity to reflect on the lessons I learned from my | | | | proud. |
| mother about conflict and its resolution. Some of them | | | | She was quick on her feet in a fight and verbally |
| have been powerfully helpful---and a few have been | | | | nimble. Some have suggested that her fiery Scottish |
| powerfully unfortunate. | | | | heritage and upbringing was the cause. She worked in |
| A strong woman of Scottish heritage and with an | | | | the New York State Legislature for much of my life |
| assertive streak a mile long, she was also deeply kind | | | | and loved a good debate. I remember going to work |
| and compassionate. She taught me that I should | | | | with her on school snow days, and she'd encourage |
| engage conflict willingly and as kindly as possible, and | | | | me to go to the visitor's gallery and watch the floor |
| that I should stand strong, especially when advocating | | | | debates. This was another gift---to be able to see |
| for those who were less able to advocate for | | | | both sides in an argument and to value verbal jousting |
| themselves. The way I understood these messages | | | | as a way to thoroughly chew over a problem. And |
| has been a mixed blessing: I am assertive in my own | | | | sometimes such verbal jousting has been ill-chosen on |
| conflicts but have had to work hard to fully learn that | | | | my part, when quiet listening would have served me |
| not all conflicts need engaging at full strength! | | | | and others better. |
| My mother was raised in a family and in a generation | | | | When I was in my mid-20s, I talked by phone with |
| that prevented her from spreading her wings as she | | | | Mom a few days before she died unexpectedly. She |
| wished. She attended Katharine Gibbs instead of a | | | | gently reminded me in that conversation that truly |
| four-year college, though her grades and ability would | | | | strong people know when not to use their strength. I |
| have gained her entrance anywhere she sought if she | | | | still work on striking that balance and I wish she were |
| were college-bound today. She regretted those closed | | | | around to guide me, though I feel her legacy with me |
| doors her entire life and, I think, wished she'd pressed | | | | daily and am generally thankful for that. |
| the issue when she was 18. From my earliest | | | | So I leave you with this: What did your mother (or |
| memories, she taught me that the sky is the limit and | | | | father) teach you about conflict? What of those |
| that, as a woman, I am equal to any man and to any | | | | lessons should you continue to carry and what should |
| challenge. This independence, while freeing in so many | | | | you let go? And what are you teaching your own |
| ways, has also been my Achilles heel during conflict. I'm | | | | children? |
| always tempted to over-assert just how capable and | | | | Copyright © 2005 by Tammy Lenski. All rights |
| independent I am, sometimes to my own detriment. | | | | reserved. |
| She taught me compassion, to look for the equal | | | | |