| I have a confession to make. I love praise. I love it | | | | flattery-I mean, what's the point of dating someone if |
| when people think I'm talented or special or great. Most | | | | they don't find me scrumptiously interesting and |
| people do, on some level. Even my cat loves it when I | | | | attractive? In work, though, I forget to expect it, and |
| coo, "good girl!" when she's done something I approve | | | | that's when it blindsides me. |
| of. But here's the problem-when I feel like I'm being | | | | When a potential client is telling me how brilliant I |
| praised, I'm gravely at risk of ignoring things my heart | | | | am-which, on occasion, I very well may be-it's very |
| and gut tell me. So much so, that, at times, I practically | | | | important that I remember that the reason I'm having a |
| go intuitively deaf. Have you ever had this | | | | discussion with them is to see whether or not we're a |
| happen-you're out on a date with someone and they | | | | good coaching match-I'm determining if I could actually |
| begin to tell you how attractive you are, how smart, | | | | help them, if they're actually ready for coaching, if |
| how interesting you are? After a few choice | | | | they're willing to do the work involved to change their |
| compliments and acknowledgements, do you notice | | | | life, and whether I would actually enjoy being on the |
| that you'd do anything to keep this person around so | | | | phone with them regularly. But when I'm busy thinking, |
| they will tell you those things more often, no matter | | | | "Wow! She thinks I'm brilliant! That must mean I could |
| who they are? | | | | really help her, since she obviously thinks so highly of |
| What about in your work life? Do you find yourself | | | | me!" when I'm thinking that, I'm actually NOT thinking |
| agreeing to projects that, afterward, you wonder why | | | | about the potential client at all-I'm only seduced by their |
| you agreed to them, but if you trace it back, the | | | | flattery. It's the flattery I like, not necessarily THEM. |
| person asking for your help was pouring on the | | | | So, what do I do about it? I do like I did with dating-I |
| praise? | | | | remember to expect it. Just like I'm susceptible to colds |
| In the past, I've found myself taking on clients who | | | | in the winter so I wash my hands more often, I |
| were wrong for me because they slathered on the | | | | remember that I am also susceptible to flattery. Which |
| praise about what a great coach I was. Frankly, it's | | | | means that I must take it with a grain of salt. By that I |
| embarrassing to admit to myself that I could be so | | | | mean, I can absolutely receive the praise but then, as I |
| easily blinded, so easily bought. But, just like my cat, | | | | say "Thank you" and file the praise away, I get back to |
| who loves being a "good girl" and comes running when | | | | the business of listening to my heart and my gut to tell |
| I call her, there is a need in me for appreciation, | | | | me whether this is a person or situation I actually want |
| admiration, and love. | | | | to be involved with-AS IF THEY HAD NEVER |
| Realizing this can be liberating. Years ago, when I read | | | | PRAISED ME AT ALL. That's what I've found works |
| "The Rules," I took to heart that men will say almost | | | | to turn up the volume on my silenced intuition-once I |
| anything on the first few dates to entice a woman, so I | | | | take the flattery OUT of the equation, I can hear my |
| stopped paying attention to any talk of 'our future,' or | | | | heart and gut again. |
| any compliments a guy might bring up-or, I should say, I | | | | How often do you find yourself allowing people and |
| took them with a grain of salt and then spent my time | | | | situations to enter your life because you feel flattered, |
| concentrating on what REALLY mattered-aka, | | | | complimented, needed? Do you regret those choices |
| whether I liked this person or not and whether I thought | | | | later? What would happen if you took in the praise |
| they would be compatible with me. So, generally | | | | (heck, it may be TRUE, after all!) and then pretended |
| speaking, I'm FAR less susceptible to flattery when I'm | | | | like it never happened and THEN made your decision |
| dating than I am in other areas of my life where I'm not | | | | about the situation? Would that change the outcome? I |
| expecting it. | | | | invite you to try it this week. |
| The thing about dating is that I EXPECT there to be | | | | (c) 2008 Rebecca P. |