| My birthday is November 28th. This date has | | | | our families. Instead of focusing on what the others |
| influenced my view of family celebrations. As you may | | | | didn't or can't give to us, we can learn to give to |
| realize, November 28th occurs in close proximity to | | | | ourselves and to share the resultant happiness with |
| Thanksgiving, and at the apex of the pre-holiday | | | | them. |
| shopping season of Chanukah and Christmas. My | | | | Rule #2 follows from #1. Do not carry a "hidden |
| birthday was greatly affected by this temporal location. | | | | agenda." Family events are the worst occasions to |
| First of all, my parents tended to minimize my | | | | resolve unfinished business with your relatives. First of |
| birthdays. Like most Holocaust refugees, their concern | | | | all, they are public gatherings. Discussions of an |
| was to rebuild their lives, not engage in superfluous | | | | emotional nature should take place only in private. |
| revelry. By today's standards even important events, | | | | Secondly, before you say anything, examine your own |
| such as my Bat Mitzvah, were minimized. | | | | attitude toward your relatives. Are you still holding onto |
| In addition, there was one more complicating factor: My | | | | the notion of the ideal or perfect family? It's time to |
| parents owned and operated a retail toy store. | | | | relinquish that desire and allow yourself to love your |
| Therefore, during the hectic holiday season my parents | | | | relatives, regardless of who they are or how they live |
| were not home preparing a party for my birthday. | | | | their lives. |
| Instead, they were busy selling toys. Indeed, throughout | | | | Rule #3. Try to prevent yourself from slipping into old |
| my childhood, my parents worked very hard to make | | | | patterns of behavior. This time, when your brother |
| ends meet. They endured long hours and experienced | | | | teases you, laugh along with him. Endeavor to respond |
| many stressful days in the store. Birthday merriment | | | | in new ways to old triggers. Stay alert for opportunities |
| was a luxury for which they had neither time nor | | | | to express a side of yourself that your relatives |
| energy. | | | | haven't seen. Do not do so, however, in order to seek |
| In place of a birthday party, my parents substituted the | | | | their approval but rather because you are being |
| festivities of Chanukah. The extent of our celebration, | | | | completely true to yourself. |
| however, depended on the sun and the moon or, more | | | | Rule #4. Look for the positive and communicate the |
| precisely, the solar and lunar months for that calendar | | | | positive. Although it may be difficult at first, concentrate |
| year. If Chanukah fell out that year after the shopping | | | | on whatever's going right and ignore or play down the |
| season was over then we had a wonderfully relaxing | | | | problems. For example, make an effort to give |
| holiday. If, on the other hand, Chanukah came before | | | | compliments to as many people as you can, especially |
| December 25th, we had a quick candle-lighting | | | | the host and hostess. |
| ceremony and then rushed back to the store. The | | | | Tangentially, if you have young children, strive to keep |
| store became my nemesis for an annual two-month | | | | them busy and well-fed. That accomplishment alone |
| period. I thus had my own unique reason to experience | | | | would be immensely helpful to your extended family. |
| the "winter blues." | | | | Above all, don't get involved in someone else's crisis. |
| A child's birthday is an occasion, like the | | | | Remember, your nieces and nephews are not your |
| Hallmark-invented times of Mother's Day and Father's | | | | children and you do not need to discipline them. If the |
| Day, that can compensate for lack of expressed | | | | stress becomes overwhelming, take a break from the |
| emotion on other days of the year. Since we did not | | | | tumult and find refuge in another room. |
| celebrate a day that was my annual milestone, my | | | | Rule #5: Interpret criticism as advice from a person |
| family missed an opportunity to express closeness | | | | who cares about you. Successful people learn from |
| and appreciation. Moreover, because I did not have the | | | | everyone around them and construe another person's |
| yearly celebration that my peers enjoyed, I gained a | | | | remark as a helpful observation about their behavior. |
| determination that has stayed with me throughout my | | | | They try to view negative feedback as an opportunity |
| life: I would highlight every one of my family's important | | | | to learn something about themselves. Furthermore, |
| days regardless of their significance to the outside | | | | when they hear comments such as "Your tie (blouse) |
| world. | | | | doesn't match your shirt (skirt)" or questions like "Have |
| Similarly, many people utilize Chanukah or Christmas to | | | | you gained weight since I last saw you?" confident |
| strengthen family bonds, and assemble together with | | | | people will respond without acrimony. They will not |
| extended family for at least one party. The purpose of | | | | allow their good day to be ruined by another person's |
| the gathering is the celebration itself, both for its spiritual | | | | hurtful remark. Alternatively, they assume that the |
| meaning and its importance to the family. As the | | | | speaker has good intentions but bad judgment, or that |
| generations sit around the table, enjoying the delicious | | | | they themselves might have misinterpreted the |
| food, they can revel in their unity as a family | | | | statement. It is sometimes good to be hard of hearing. |
| regardless of what happens the rest of the year. | | | | Rule #6: Last but not least, prepare. We all realize the |
| On the other hand, when getting together with | | | | importance of preparing the food, but it is equally |
| extended family, it is easy to allow past hurts or | | | | important to prepare one's emotions. Therefore, |
| feelings of neglect to interfere with one's present | | | | visualize the scene of your family get-together, |
| enjoyment. Therefore, I've created a list of rules that | | | | examine your feelings and prepare your thoughts and |
| will help make your holiday celebration a truly joyous | | | | your actions. It would be helpful to discuss your |
| one. | | | | strategy with an objective person who is not a |
| Rules of Engagement | | | | member of your family. Friends, clergymen, coaches |
| Rule #1 for all family meetings is to "leave the past in | | | | and therapists are all potential sources of support. |
| the past." As we grow older, and the black and white | | | | They can bring clarity to a situation that is often |
| outlook of childhood becomes blurred to shades of | | | | clouded by your own history and subjective opinion. |
| grey, we are potentially more capable of tolerating | | | | By following the above suggestions you will be able to |
| behaviors that we previously found to be unbearable. | | | | turn your holiday celebrations into opportunities for |
| Time and distance are invaluable healers. Moreover, | | | | growth and renewal of family ties. In doing so, you will |
| we begin to recognize that our mortality looms closer | | | | reap the benefits of family support in future years and |
| every year. That recognition will often impel us to be | | | | create a wellspring of memories for your children. |
| happy with whatever time we have left together with | | | | |